So, today was the last day of lectures, my first exam is in
a week and I have a cold. So, in other words it is time to write a blog post. Don’t
get me wrong I have been meaning to post for some time but with all the crazy
deadline happening and me trying to get at least some sleep the deal became,
watch an episode of TV or write a post you are not even sure you will like. And
we all know how much I love my TV. So yeah, sorry to neglect you.
And it is not just that I have been meaning to post in general but I have been
meaning to do this post. It intends to be more serious than usual.
So, I suffer from depression. I mean if you have been
reading these or know me that probably isn’t a surprise to you, it’s not to me.
I haven’t exactly been the shining light of positivity in these things. But, it’s
official now. I got to a point where you decide that you can’t carry on with
things the way they are. You tried but you just feel broken and life should not
be this painful for this long.
Which means I’m not just a miserable human I have an
illness.
Now this is the point that I look at what I have just typed
and ask? Do I really want people to see this? And the answer is no, not really.
Why? Because I don’t want to feel the way I do. It’s not nice. I don’t feel
good about myself and I don’t want people to judge me on the person I am when I
am sad and tired and stressed.
But this is my blog and while I promised it wouldn’t be a diary this is what is
currently going on in my life right now. And it kind of affects my blog because
it changes the tone of what I write so I suppose I’m just giving you some
context. For example the whole goal this a few weeks back.
I also want to point out a couple of things (Disclaimer the following points a purely
based on my own experiences and are not intended to apply to anyone else).
Firstly, TV, and the internet and social media all say this if you are feeling
down for an unusually long period of time and aren’t coping you should seek
help. Now, I just want to point out that I am totally for that. You should get
help, if you ask and people won’t give it to you ask someone else until you get
what you need. Yes, yes, yes seek help (Side point you should preferably do
this sooner than I did, all those questionnaires say to think about how you
have felt over the past two weeks, so when you can’t remember the last time you
didn’t fell down you have probably left it longer than ideal). But, what I do
want to point out is that they don’t tell you anything about what happens
after. Because that is where things get tough. The thing is as much as you want
it to life doesn’t just stop, you cant just throw up your hands and say I am
sick I am going to act like a sick person. Well I couldn’t anyway I had full
time uni to do. What happens is that now you have to do everything you were
doing before and feeling overwhelmed and also do other things and have
appointments ect, treatment takes time and effort and energy which is tough if
your symptoms include low motivation, fatigue and feelings of hopelessness and
sadness.
There are other things to, like the stigma around depression
or mental illness in general. Now, this isn’t a tirade against society or
anything I’m simply saying that for some reason mental illness tends to get
treated differently to other illness. And, it should be treated different because
it is different but I don’t think it is being treated different in a good way.
But then maybe the issue is partly with myself. Because it has taken me a long
time to accept that I am sick and not just lazy and useless. So if I have been struggling
with that for a while can a really expect people to be any different. Even so I
think there is still a bit of shame attached to having a mental illness and that maybe people could treat those who
are depressed in a more supportive and better way. I feel that if I have to ask
for special consideration I am ‘playing the depression card’ that I have to constantly
justify that I am actually sick.
But, there are some interesting things to. Like when you are
getting help for depression everyone is suddenly interested in and asking about
your breathing. Because apparently there is a right way to breath and a lot of
people get it wrong. It also takes training and practice to get your technique just
right. Now this to me seems really weird, it’s like asking someone how their
walking technique is going. If they are over the age of two, of average health and not competing in the Olympic
games in the walking event (the discussion regarding how weird this event is to
watch will have to be postponed to another day but I it begs to be had) walking
is not something you have to consciously work on. Now considering that if you don’t
breathe you die, I had assumed that if I was still in a state to be asked the
question of how my breathing was going and not suffering from asthma I didn’t
have a problem. I was wrong.
So, this has been exhausting, I hope I haven’t said anything
that upsets anybody. It wasn’t meant to. It is simply a stream of consciousness
of perhaps sweeping generalizations regarding what I am experiencing right now
and I want to be ok with what I have posted.
Stay awesome.
