I Declare Today World Pajama Day

I'm back. Did you miss me? Don't lie I know you did, non existent readers. I bet you thought that this blog has succumb to the good idea but no follow through story as I can imagine has happened to so many blogs before mine. But no I just thought that I should stop until I had finished my exams. And guess what. I had my last one yesterday. FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I know just how entertaining a moment by moment account of the horrors of study-break/exam time would have been, but you will just have to imagine or wait till the end of next semester when my resolve may not be so strong.

So what am a going to do with my holidays? Well today I have done absolutely nothing and it has been FANTASTIC! I spend the day in my pajamas catching up on my very important T.V viewing. Which while I enjoyed it, it doesn't really make for a very exciting blog. I could discuss any points of interest that I found about my shows (all with proper story lines might I add) which I would love to do because I don't just watch shows I kinda study (for want of a better word) them. But I won't.

I endeavor to achieve something during my time off but like a true procrastinator I make no promises. I at least hope to locate my sanity. = P Just a short post to remind the world that i'm still alive.

Stay Awesome Peoples        

Prince Charming And Self Doubt

I’m now stuck in the awkward place where I really don’t know what I’m doing here. To begin with I would just type whatever just because I wanted to but now I’m starting to put pressure on myself. Like in a way doing well makes you more afraid of failure. Also I started with all these rules about what I would and would not talk about. You see on reflection I quite like the posts I have already done (I’m allowed to like them right?) so I’m afraid that the next one I write will be bad. I had those feelings with each of my posts actually but I suppose I’m in a different head space now.

Also there’s the whole way a blog is set up with the most recent posts first. Now I get why that makes sense. If you were doing a blog on technology and had been for a few years it would be stupid to order the posts chronologically. People want to see the most relevant information. But probably because my blog lacks a clear defined purpose it just feels like the person would be reading a novel backwards. I don’t intend for my posts to be viewed in isolation. As it stands with each post I have to cater to return viewers/readers (not that they currently exist but one has to hope) and also write in a way that will encourage new ones to keep reading. It means that I can’t really afford to have a bad day or post. I just don’t think I can cope with that kind of pressure. I suppose that, that’s what the real world is like; you are only as good as your last stroke of genius.

I’m going to blame the fact that I have two exams in less than a week and am now in the lie on the floor and cry phase of my preparation feeling beyond hopelessly unprepared as the reason for the sudden change in tone. It is hard to construct an interesting stream of consciousness when your brain is in a stunned form of panic. But I would like to comment on a problem that I think any girl who was introduced to Disney Princess movies at an early age will suffer from. You see in these movies when things get bad Prince Charming rides in and saves the day. So on some really weird subconscious level when I get stressed, things go wrong or I have to do something I really don’t want to I hope that Price Charming will arrive any moment and I won’t have to worry anymore. Just for the record it hasn't happened yet but hey you never know today might be the day. I don’t see how that will help me with my exams though or at least help me study for them so perhaps I will just go to plan B. Plan B is another ridiculous and impractical idea taught to me by television. I shall have to run away to the circus.

Now as I prepare myself to begin apologize for the quality of what I have just written I realize that by doing this I am actually judging you (I use the term you in a broad sense to represent any person who happens to find themselves at this place in the post) I mean who am I to think I know what you like or don’t like. Maybe I should just mind my own business and let you make up your own mind about my blog. Maybe I shouldn't care what you think. (But I do so please don’t be upset by that last sentence.)

Maybe I feel guilty that I’m writing my blog instead of studying. I will be upset with myself about it if not now soon. That’s another thing about procrastination you can’t even enjoy any of the procrastinationary (Yes I’m making that a word) activities.

So I will post this now just because I spent valuable time writing it and by having something to show for that time I hope to minimize the waste.

Maybe tomorrow will bring something more interesting.

One Of The Many Reasons I Would Make A Really Bad Superhero

So I’m trying to get in the habit of posting regularly which means that some posts will be boring (or at least more boring than others). I suppose it’s kind of awkward for me to start making excuses about the quality of something I haven’t even written yet; I have a feeling that I learnt somewhere that doing so actually makes the whole thing worse. Like because I warn you it might be boring you actually think that it is boring even if you might not have otherwise.

In that case the following is the most SUPER FREAKING AMAZING blog you will ever read in your life!!!!!!!! It’s full of drama, action, heartbreak and will leave you on the edge of your seat till the very last word. (On a side note recently I watched a movie where the DVD cover quoted reviews which all claimed that the movie was in a nutshell quite possibly the best movie ever made. It was the most boring two hours of my life. Maybe the reviewers’ were so upset that they had to sit through such a movie that they wanted as many people as possible to go through the pain that they had. It honestly felt like some kind of sick joke. I don’t know if I could ever trust a review again.)

Anyway as good or bad the following is it should be of note that the idea for the content of this post just came to me recently and before that I had fully intended to wow the world with a story about how our new smoke alarm will be set off by almost anything except an ACTUAL FIRE. (I’m experimenting with the use of caps just for aesthetic variety I do apologize)

So here’s the thing. This blog is meant to be anonymous.  It is that way because I don’t want people to judge it based on their knowledge of me or judge me based on what they have read on the blog. (Which is really funny considering that it is practically impossible to even find this blog the only way I can find it is because it is mine and comes up automatically when I log in) The problem is I am useless and mean absolutely useless at keeping a secret. Now I don’t mean that I’m not trustworthy cos I am and in fact I can keep secrets about other people. But, I seem to have this weird need to tell people about my life, like I’m somehow being deceitful if I don’t even trivial things. I think that in this case it’s an effort to somehow seen interesting in real life. I've been using the fact that I have recently started a blog as a joke to illustrate the level of procrastination I am currently at. But it kinda defeats the whole purpose. So if somehow someone I know stumbles onto this page they will go “hey, an anonymous blog that was started real recently, did Insert Name Here say that she had just started one?” And anonymous it is no longer. That is assuming that people actually listen when I talk to them. I talk a lot and the things I find fascinating are not usually what the rest of the world thinks is so I wouldn't blame them if they did zone out. This inability to control what some would term to be verbal diarrhea is one reason why I would make a really bad super hero. You know how they have to keep their real identity a secret even if it means not being honest to those they care about just to keep them safe? Or because the cops think that they are some vigilante nutcase and want to arrest them? Well I would not last two minutes.

Now I have noticed the irony (it’s probably not actually irony but that is the word I am going with) in the fact that I know I have an issue with taking too much and about stupid aspects of my life so I decide to post this problem on the internet. On a blog which is dedicated to basically me talking more about myself and anything that goes on in my brain in the hope that someone will find it interesting. I would like to think that I’m not a self-absorbed person but the evidence is beginning to suggest otherwise. I suppose it is a little difficult when you’re not really taking to anyone.

You know what I would actually like to know more about what goes on in other peoples’ brains. Maybe if we all kept a blog we would realize that maybe we are as crazy as we think. Or maybe we will just despair at the human condition.

Either way I’m sure it will fill in some hours that could be used to do something more useful and pressing.  

Trivial Hypocrisy and Self Sabotage

So I make my first post and suddenly find myself quite obsessed. Hypothetically writing my next post, checking to see the amount of views (I was quite surprised until I realized that most of the views were in fact me admiring my newly created blog) and felt quite good about the whole thing until it was pointed out that I had promised not to start a blog until after finals. Oh well.

People used to just tell me that if I like writing I should just sit down and write. I never thought that I could do that, I imagined that the moment I had a pen in my hand my mind would go blank. You see that is what happens when I have to writing anything of importance but I’m finding quite the opposite with this whole free flow of consciousness style. I think it is some form of spontaneous prose but don’t quote me on that. I have these short bursts when my brain just seems to come to life and I feel like I can do anything; if only I could use these bursts for something constructive. You know when you have an amazing idea and just for a second everything is clear then a second later it is gone or suddenly it feels so cheesy. What if we could record our thoughts as they happened? Well just the good bits. Like all those hilarious conversations or voice overs you make up in your head. I know it’s not just me. Well I’m trying to dread those moments back for this blog, from all the times I wanted to share what was in my brain with the world even in all its chaos. So it might feel a bit stale for a while but I’m hoping that will go away over time.

So for the actual subject indicated in the title…
I am a hypocrite; I am aware of it and freely admit my guilt. I cannot think of the better examples which illustrate this point so I will just go with a weak one. So I would really like it if people read this blog (I know you’re probably sick of my self reference by now but I have a bit of a one track mind) but I don’t read anyone else’s blog and have no real desire to. Now please don’t let this discourage you from reading mine but that kinda makes me a hypocrite or at least I may have some sort of superiority concept which seems odd for someone with incredibly low self-esteem.  

I have another issue that sorta relates but really probably needs analysis by a physiologist or at least more space dedicated to it than a few vague sentences. But it really bothers me that I am not brilliant at anything. I mean people would consider me a high achiever/very much a geek but that doesn't stop me from just being a boring average person. But I really want to find something that I’m not just good at but really good at so that the world is a better place because I’m in it. To create something that is beautiful just because it exists. Now what I want to know is whether everyone else feels that way or if some people are just content with doing what they want or can at the level they can. So how does this relate to me being a hypocrite? Well for me to be brilliant I have to be able to do something unique or the best, but if I can then that means that someone else isn't brilliant at that thing. For me to be good does someone else have to be comparatively bad?  So why would I deserve to be brilliant instead of someone else?

As you can imagine for a procrastinator this whole process is quite self-defeating. While procrastinating the other day I actually looked up reasons why people procrastinate.  The top two for me we because I am a perfectionist and feel overwhelmed by the task. So I’m the type of person who would rather no try something over trying something and being bad at it. So even if I am gifted at something I will most probably never find it. Also if I have put off something that I have to do e.g. study for accounting (shiver) I won’t actually do anything else worthwhile. I will just be suspended in the painful place where you are just wasting time and can see your potential success reducing by the second.

Maybe procrastinating doesn't quite illustrate my hypocrisy but it does raise a valid point. I know that I am procrastinating, I know that it is hurting my chances at doing well at whatever I am meant to do and I know that I will beat myself up about it afterwards in fact I’m beating myself up about it now. But does that motivate me to action and stop procrastinating?
No, no it doesn't.

And so life goes on.