Trivial Hypocrisy and Self Sabotage

So I make my first post and suddenly find myself quite obsessed. Hypothetically writing my next post, checking to see the amount of views (I was quite surprised until I realized that most of the views were in fact me admiring my newly created blog) and felt quite good about the whole thing until it was pointed out that I had promised not to start a blog until after finals. Oh well.

People used to just tell me that if I like writing I should just sit down and write. I never thought that I could do that, I imagined that the moment I had a pen in my hand my mind would go blank. You see that is what happens when I have to writing anything of importance but I’m finding quite the opposite with this whole free flow of consciousness style. I think it is some form of spontaneous prose but don’t quote me on that. I have these short bursts when my brain just seems to come to life and I feel like I can do anything; if only I could use these bursts for something constructive. You know when you have an amazing idea and just for a second everything is clear then a second later it is gone or suddenly it feels so cheesy. What if we could record our thoughts as they happened? Well just the good bits. Like all those hilarious conversations or voice overs you make up in your head. I know it’s not just me. Well I’m trying to dread those moments back for this blog, from all the times I wanted to share what was in my brain with the world even in all its chaos. So it might feel a bit stale for a while but I’m hoping that will go away over time.

So for the actual subject indicated in the title…
I am a hypocrite; I am aware of it and freely admit my guilt. I cannot think of the better examples which illustrate this point so I will just go with a weak one. So I would really like it if people read this blog (I know you’re probably sick of my self reference by now but I have a bit of a one track mind) but I don’t read anyone else’s blog and have no real desire to. Now please don’t let this discourage you from reading mine but that kinda makes me a hypocrite or at least I may have some sort of superiority concept which seems odd for someone with incredibly low self-esteem.  

I have another issue that sorta relates but really probably needs analysis by a physiologist or at least more space dedicated to it than a few vague sentences. But it really bothers me that I am not brilliant at anything. I mean people would consider me a high achiever/very much a geek but that doesn't stop me from just being a boring average person. But I really want to find something that I’m not just good at but really good at so that the world is a better place because I’m in it. To create something that is beautiful just because it exists. Now what I want to know is whether everyone else feels that way or if some people are just content with doing what they want or can at the level they can. So how does this relate to me being a hypocrite? Well for me to be brilliant I have to be able to do something unique or the best, but if I can then that means that someone else isn't brilliant at that thing. For me to be good does someone else have to be comparatively bad?  So why would I deserve to be brilliant instead of someone else?

As you can imagine for a procrastinator this whole process is quite self-defeating. While procrastinating the other day I actually looked up reasons why people procrastinate.  The top two for me we because I am a perfectionist and feel overwhelmed by the task. So I’m the type of person who would rather no try something over trying something and being bad at it. So even if I am gifted at something I will most probably never find it. Also if I have put off something that I have to do e.g. study for accounting (shiver) I won’t actually do anything else worthwhile. I will just be suspended in the painful place where you are just wasting time and can see your potential success reducing by the second.

Maybe procrastinating doesn't quite illustrate my hypocrisy but it does raise a valid point. I know that I am procrastinating, I know that it is hurting my chances at doing well at whatever I am meant to do and I know that I will beat myself up about it afterwards in fact I’m beating myself up about it now. But does that motivate me to action and stop procrastinating?
No, no it doesn't.

And so life goes on.