One For December: Uninspired Yet Hopefully Unoffensive

So it's the last day in December and I thought I better post. Not like as an end of year reflection thing but as a if i can't post at least once a month can I really claim to have a blog? type of thing.

Today's topic is what would be considered a first world problem: Falling out of love with one of your favorite TV shows. Now with my addictive personality (where i get addicted to things very easily) I follow quite a few shows and had put off watching the majority until after exams which has been quite lovely and I am super excited for the season premier of a certain show on Jan 1st (if you watch the show you will know its name). But there is one show that is just missing the mark for me in its second season.

Now do I keep watching out of loyalty in the hope that it will get better? Or, do I cut my losses and just remember the good times we spent together? I mean in all honesty I feel a bit like the show misrepresents the book it claims to be based on. But if you view it as a separate entity its not half bad.

I mean maybe its a good thing that I can take or leave the show. As much as I like to find a show I love, the post binge watch low is less than ideal.

I recently gave up on a book series that by the 4th book was actually painful to read. I stopped caring whether it was award winning or not or even the fact that I had already invested 3 novels of time into these characters lives. For me that was quite an achievement, usually i just suffer through to the end, mostly just so I can give it a 1 star rating on Goodreads.

I shall now continue the trend and give up on this very uninspired post. I will post it anyway; if anything it proves not all of my posts are horrifically long.

I'm going camping tomorrow, hopefully that will lead to an interesting story.

"When you are in a hole, stop digging" (Advice I probably should have heeded when writing this post)

So exams are over again and I shall allow myself to write another post. One might be forgiven for thinking that the days leading up to and including exam time would be a time of increased activity for my blog, you know given its name and everything. In fact I was wondering that to and I have come up with a theory. While the procrastinator knows that they are procrastinating they are looking for a distraction. I have the feeling that I would not be able to procrastinate in the form of blogging without significant feelings of guilt. That is not to say that I did not procrastinate during the period or that I did not feel guilty for doing it because I did both to an almost unimaginable level (guilt is a fantastic motivator by the way).

The thing is the name of my blog is kinda a sad reminder of the fact that my procrastinating can actually be a big problem which makes me almost want to change it. Only almost though, in reality I like the name too much to change it but the temptation remains.

Now to the real topic for today’s post (Well what I’m telling myself is the real topic, I like to have at least an idea about what I will write before I sit down to type)

Whilst procrastinating the other week I read a blog post that someone had shared through Facebook and continued through some of the comments. And boy I tell you people were having a field day. After scrolling through at least 50 I looked to the scroll bar thing on the right hand side of the screen (you know what I’m talking about, I’m just not sure if it has a normal name that my brain has just conveniently decided to forget, thanks brain). Anyway I looked at it and see that it is barely a tenth of the way down and the bar thing that shrinks according the amount you can scroll (jeepers, this is really a difficult thing to describe, I promise you, you do actually know what I’m talking about. If somebody knows a way for me to get this explained in less words, please help a girl out and tell me). Well that thing was really tiny. What I really mean is that this one single post had loads and I do mean loads of comments.

Now I must admit I felt a bit jealous. Comments mean readers and well if I didn’t want people to read my blog than I would write it in a book and hide it under my bed. But the thing was a lot of these comments were criticizing the author’s opinion and some were really mean. Also the topic of the post wasn’t wildly controversial nor the authors opinion really out there. It was however very personal on a really personal topic (And before you ask, yes I do realise that I’m being extremely vague and that people generally find that annoying but, I don’t want the actual blog post to be identifiable by my post).  The thing is opinions are funny things cos a person is usually passionate that their one is correct yet there are so many different ones for the same issue and many times they can directly conflict. So that point isn’t ground-breaking or anything but here’s the thing: the author took the time to write out is opinion and the circumstances that lead to the forming of it which involved telling complete strangers about things that some married couples would never share with each other. So to have some of these complete strangers slam you for this would be quite heart-breaking, I mean no one wants to be told that they are wrong. Personally I’m really sensitive and don’t think I would cope very well at all.

Ok so I got that far with this post and left it for a few days, and I have now learnt that you should never do that because the moment is gone and you move on to what you want your next post to be about which causes the dilemma of do you completely scrap the unfinished post or do you fake like the time lapse never occurred and give up on the new idea or do you make a super long post. In my case the last one is not really an option as most of my posts are longer than the average person’s attention span so I went with the unstated option of just telling it how it is.

Anyway where I was going with the previous post was that while I want comments, I don’t really want mean ones and let’s face it the internet makes it a lot easier to be mean. I feel that one of the reasons why this persons post generated so much conversation was the reader (in this case me) felt almost that the opinion was being pushed too much, like it was wrong to have a different one. With personal topics mainly things like love, this is generally not a good idea. Because to be honest I thought both the blogger and some of the commenters had valid points they were just at opposite ends of a spectrum I would sit in the middle of.

But, then it makes me think that maybe having posts that are all out me are not all that bad, because at least I won’t be openly criticising another person’s opinion. But the thing is in real life I am known for being opinionated and on a bad day the type of person that does not allow others to express theirs if it conflicts with mine (I would argue that in most cases I in fact I do let them share the opinion but it is in fact wrong so I respectfully point out these wrong areas but like I said that is on a bad day and it is something I’m working on to correct so yay aims for self-improvement). Ok, I would just like to point out that I see how hypocritical this post could be viewed  as I have kinda sort of maybe  just said that I don’t use this blog for opinions when in reality you would probably find that almost every sentence contains one. I was also going for the don’t post anything you would regret later but hey, I regret most things I do in my life so why should this post be any different.

Can I just point out how difficult it is to start sentences while writing a post. There are only so many ways to do it for example “So”, “Now”, “Anyway” which is almost always followed by “what I mean” or “What I’m trying to say”. Let’s not forget “But” and “And” which are sometimes but not always followed by a comma because I am sure there is a punctuation rule regarding it but I cannot be bothered looking it up. Oh don’t let me forget “The thing is” or “Ok” which by the way is another troublesome word because I don’t know if caps matter or not.  Is It “OK” or “ok”? And then you have the whole punctuation thing again so I really cannot win with those who care about that kind of stuff. Now, you as the reader probably did not notice my lack of creativity regarding how I start my sentences and now that I have pointed it out  the issue will annoy you forever but I thought that I would write about it so that any who did notice and did care (which is most likely no one based on the page view stats I can access) would be aware that I am not oblivious to the issue but in reality just have not yet figured out a solution. Again if anyone does know or has any tips, feedback (but preferably the constructive or positive kind) is welcomed.

Ok, I think I will end this post now and hope that it is: One, not as bad as I think it is (In general I have disliked every post so far and then liked it more later) and two, that the next one will be better (because regardless of the actual quality of this one improvement is almost always a worthy goal).

I would also like the posts to be funnier but hey, genius cannot be taught and wit cannot be forced so I won’t expect a miracle.

Till next time

Real Time, Past Tense

So, I just had a test and missed the train I wanted to catch. Unfortunately the test didn't go so well. I mean it wasn't a complete disaster I just know of some definite mistakes and wish I had done better. Plus I have a cold so Yay. Now the purpose of this is not as a diary but I have more time than I first anticipated before I get home and didn't want to waste it doing nothing. It’s funny, ironic, sad:  I will happily waste all the time in the world when I have important stuff I have to do but now when it would be perfectly acceptable for me to just relax for a moment I desperately want to do something useful, but I bet if I actually had a relevant textbook in my bag the desire to act in a useful manner would be gone. I suppose what I really want is to distract myself from thinking about the test and everything I could have got wrong.

Anyway my next post was long overdue and I wouldn't want to keep my repeat readers waiting too long. (Please note the sarcasm; in fact maybe I should use a different font for sarcasm; but I would probably get lazy and use it inconsistently and the action would be meaningless, so for now let’s just leave it with me almost always pointing out the sarcasm in a way that any wit or humour it ever contained is lost, like when you have a joke explained to you. Maybe you think I’m insulting your intelligence when really I am just mocking my own blog by seeming full of myself.)

Back to the present, just a tip: if you are trying to catch a train from Britomart to Papakura or Pukekohe they no longer say “Papakura or Pukekohe via New Market or Silvia Park” they now say “Otahuhu via New Market or Silvia Park” I don’t know how long it has been like that but I just realised tonight. (To anyone who stumbles across this blog and does not live in New Zealand I apologise for that useless piece of information.)

What I intended to do at one point was write a post about the trials of group assignments but any decent human being would pull their weight in a group assignment so they would also understand the pain of being in a group with a less than decent human. And if you are one of the less than decent human beings: I HATE YOU. Please for the love of all things good in the world find a brain and get your life together.

OK so forget what I said about the train, until further notice after a certain time in the evening they just kick you off at Otahuhu and you have to get on a bus the rest of the way. Oh the joy of public transport.

So, that was as far as I got last night with my post, I was experimenting with the writing in real time idea as opposed to just sitting in front of the computer and thinking “OK brain, go! Hello? Brain? You got anything?” Unfortunately life got in the way, I found someone I knew on the bus and it seemed odd to ignore them and continue with my super-secret blog post. So now I suppose we will never get to know just what else I would have said about group work as the moment has passed. I was also going to write about friendship and why some people I know are good ones. Which I know is more sentimental than my usual cynicism but I just had a weekend surrounded by some pretty great people. Anyway it will have to be another time as I have another test to study for and textbook chapters I should have read but haven’t.

Now to think of a name for this post… 

What's The Bet I Will Regret This Post The Moment I Click Publish?

I'm going to level with you. I wanted to reserve this space for the side of me that I liked. The one trying to embrace creativity, the mind racing so fast that no one could understand it, the me who thought just maybe people would laugh at the drivel I could post under the vague term of 'Blog Writer'. Because of this I had rules about what I would and would not talk about. But now it seems that if I don't break one I will never post again.

What is misery? Misery is a paralyzing pain in every cell of your body, an exhausting burn that you can't imagine ever going away. Needing to do so much but not wanting to do anything. Just wanting to be better than you are, but too scared to try.

Do you need a reason to be miserable? No

So there, I am miserable or at least not far from it. People might argue that I am exaggerating but I'm going to post this anyway and regret it afterwards. On Facebook I would be considered an attention seeker or something like that, but here it doesn't matter. Plus on Facebook people want short sharp bursts of amusement, a place to laugh with people. I'm not good with short, my blog posts testify to that. It might be hard to imagine but this has been me showing restraint.

I have so much stuff I have to do but I just can't seem to focus, It isn't that the stuff to particularly difficult, I just don't want to do it.

Like I've previously stated my passion is acting and stories. Well at least I think it is I've never really had a chance to find out. But it is one of the few things I get genuinely excited about. So I think that if I could just do something in that area then I might feel better. With this and my addictive personality a watch a lot of television. Like a Chef must like food, watching others act is really as close as I can get to what I love right now. But this seems to be very counter productive. As you can imagine watching others do what you want to do but cannot is extremely frustrating. Hence less enjoyment, but still more than anything else so you watch more. Then life gets harder because you have procrastinated so much, so you feel you a pick me up which is .... you guessed it more watching. Adding this to the normal downward spiral of your average procrastinator and it all gets pretty stupid.

So, here's the thing. Television has given us unreasonable expectations about what our lives should be like. Now I more than most get that it is a distraction, escapism. People don't want to watch the monotony of real life. But when was the last time you saw the hero of that action show you watch get home from work and do the dishes? Paperwork is always discussed but we don't get to spend hours with the character actually filling it out. Need to take a 10 hour flight? Don't worry we can get you there in 6 seconds. Now add this to the fact that the story-lines are already tantalizingly dramatic and you have a crazily unrealistic life. I'm not saying this is wrong and before you ask, yes I do know the difference between fiction and reality but on some level this must affect a person. You see characters with great jobs but you don't see the years they suffered through uni to get it, everything is action packed and exciting, also you never have to wait for anything. You must be able to see how after a long day of hard work and bore it is easy to start becoming discontent with your present circumstances. Not that I would want my life to be like a t.v show, because if something can go wrong you can bet that it will.

I am sorry, I haven't figured how that rant is mean't to end and I have dinner waiting to that's just going to have to be it. I have a feeling I was meant to link it back to to how trying to write a blog about the interesting things in my life has made it even more obvious just how boring my life is. So full of positivity today!!!

I just want to act. Actually I would just settle will being able to wake up in morning and actually wanting to get out of bed. Now if my life was a movie or t.v show by some fluke someone with ties to the appropriate industry would see this post and change my life. But it's not and well I would never even waste energy hoping for the impossible. It is also completely incompatible with reality. If my wants could just match up with reality I would be happy with that.

The weird thing is that I was looking for a creative outlet and I found people who were looking for someone to write for their blogs, about movies, books, t.v shows some even just about anything. And I thought 'hey, that would be something I would be good at, I should do that, it would be cool'. Even though I have this blog, on which I could do all those things and hardly ever post on. I don't make sense.

But, I suppose it motivated me to make this post, no matter what kind of drivel it contains.
Cya

Self Revelations Triggered By Weekend Activities

I'm forcing myself to write a post because I'm afraid that if I don't do one soon I will give up on the whole blog thing. It's not that I have no ideas its just that when I actually sit down at the computer what seemed like a really good idea a minute ago suddenly seems like the stupidest thing in the world. Mainly I don't think I will give the idea justice and it will be underdeveloped. When I decided to start this thing I was in a mood where my brain was just buzzing with ideas and I felt like I could achieve anything, it made it really easy to write, now not so much. My brain is just felling a little blah. But here goes.

So on Saturday I went and played mini-golf. Now I know I said this wouldn't be a diary but it exposed an interesting part of my personality which I would like to pick apart for the world to see. The thing is I hated it. I have asked to be excused from ever playing mini-golf again. Why? Well for one I sucked at it. Now I have never been good at anything related to sport and the hand eye coordination stuff and I accept that, but there is nothing like not being able to use a mini-golf club to hit a golf ball so that it rolls into a hole 1-2 meters away to make you feel like the worlds biggest failure. The concept is so simple how can someone be bad at it? Now there are two things that make the whole process worse. First mini-golf is usually an activity chosen when you have a group of people of different ages and the weather is too good to justify going 10 pin bowling (might I add another thing I am not good at), it's individual and competitive. So it's not nice when everyone else got a hole in 2 hits when you  stopped counting at 7. The second thing is the scoring system. Whereas in 10 pin bowling each point is an achievement, in mini-golf the aim is to get the lowest score. That means that every time you go to swing the club you are in effect preparing to do worse at the game. There is no time to just have fun with it.

Now this is all very theoretical because in reality it was just me and my mum playing mini-golf because we had some vouchers that needed to be used up. This was good because I didn't have to hide my disappointment. I would play each hole until I got what I considered to be an acceptable score. I admit that this was childish I'm too old to be the kid who tips up the board game just because they are losing, but in reality on my second go I would almost always half my original score. And hey I got my money's worth and I didn't hold anyone up so why shouldn't I give myself a chance to do better. I would like to point out that if I had been with friends I would suck it up and laugh off my failure so I am embarrassed that I had 18 mini tantrums in a 1 hour period.

So why does not being good at mini-golf bother me? I mean who really cares? And considering that I have played it on average no more than once a year it's not surprising that I didn't magically become a golfing master. Why cannot I lose gracefully and accept that I have other talents (mostly of an academic nature)?

I have to accept that my ability to play mini-golf is not a reflection on my worth or success as a person.
Wow, how deep of me. = P Still from now on if ever someone suggests we go mini-golfing I will suggest we see a movie.

Making The World A More Complicated Place One Thought At A Time

I fear I have done the unforgivable. I Insert Name Here have become addicted to a Facebook game. Actually this is not the first time that it has happened but I as a rule generally avoid Facebook games. But a lot rules get broken during study break. I feel embarrassed about this slip up because I think that if people saw that I play the game they will think that I don't have a life. For the record I don't think that when I see that my friends play Facebook games but of course my thinking is irrational like the silly teenage girl that I am.

So I set the settings so that only I can see anything that game posts which usually is fine but with this particular game (which I will not name for fear that I might say something offensive about it) once you get to a curtain point to continue you have to get three people (other players I think but you may send requests to non players) to 'help' you get to the next part of the game. Now helping you is as simple as clicking the button to say they accept your request but as I an about to try and explain the whole thing gets quite nerve-racking.

So there are two groups of people you would consider. The first is your semi close friends that are non players. These are the people who care enough about you to take the time to pretend to play the game and accept the request but don't care enough to worry about the fact that you have spent hours getting to this point and that by them helping you they will be enabling this new addiction. The second group is of course other addicts, your friends who are already players. The first targets would be those who are past you in the game firstly because someone had to help them across so they kinda owe it to the world to help others and secondly because these are the hard core addicts who will see helping you as an opportunity, if they help you, you will help them when they need to get across to future levels. So what you have is this group of people secretly bonded by the same dirty little secret relying on each other for our next 'hit' as it were.

Now the sad thing is probably not the fact that I or anyone else play the game but how much thought I personally have put into the politics of playing it. Like I said to help you get across the all the person has to do is click their mouse. It's not like I'm asking for something big so why am I so worried about who I ask, these people are my friends!!! Being self conscious makes life so much more complicated.

Also like I said this is an addiction, I don't even like the game anymore. Well I do but in some self destructive way not in a fun way. Like I have mentioned in previous posts, I have an addictive personality. It's a good thing that that the things I expose myself to and become addicted to are limited to relatively harmless things like T.V shows and Internet based games.

So as you can see I'm using my holiday time in an extremely productive manner. (Please note the sarcasm, I'm no that deluded)
In the time it has taken  for me to write this post my lives have been slowly replenishing so once I press publish I will painfully use them up and then go have lunch.

Maybe next time I'm about to start playing a Facebook game I will stop and think before I go down this dark road again. Who am I kidding, after the first level I will be hooked.

I Declare Today World Pajama Day

I'm back. Did you miss me? Don't lie I know you did, non existent readers. I bet you thought that this blog has succumb to the good idea but no follow through story as I can imagine has happened to so many blogs before mine. But no I just thought that I should stop until I had finished my exams. And guess what. I had my last one yesterday. FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I know just how entertaining a moment by moment account of the horrors of study-break/exam time would have been, but you will just have to imagine or wait till the end of next semester when my resolve may not be so strong.

So what am a going to do with my holidays? Well today I have done absolutely nothing and it has been FANTASTIC! I spend the day in my pajamas catching up on my very important T.V viewing. Which while I enjoyed it, it doesn't really make for a very exciting blog. I could discuss any points of interest that I found about my shows (all with proper story lines might I add) which I would love to do because I don't just watch shows I kinda study (for want of a better word) them. But I won't.

I endeavor to achieve something during my time off but like a true procrastinator I make no promises. I at least hope to locate my sanity. = P Just a short post to remind the world that i'm still alive.

Stay Awesome Peoples        

Prince Charming And Self Doubt

I’m now stuck in the awkward place where I really don’t know what I’m doing here. To begin with I would just type whatever just because I wanted to but now I’m starting to put pressure on myself. Like in a way doing well makes you more afraid of failure. Also I started with all these rules about what I would and would not talk about. You see on reflection I quite like the posts I have already done (I’m allowed to like them right?) so I’m afraid that the next one I write will be bad. I had those feelings with each of my posts actually but I suppose I’m in a different head space now.

Also there’s the whole way a blog is set up with the most recent posts first. Now I get why that makes sense. If you were doing a blog on technology and had been for a few years it would be stupid to order the posts chronologically. People want to see the most relevant information. But probably because my blog lacks a clear defined purpose it just feels like the person would be reading a novel backwards. I don’t intend for my posts to be viewed in isolation. As it stands with each post I have to cater to return viewers/readers (not that they currently exist but one has to hope) and also write in a way that will encourage new ones to keep reading. It means that I can’t really afford to have a bad day or post. I just don’t think I can cope with that kind of pressure. I suppose that, that’s what the real world is like; you are only as good as your last stroke of genius.

I’m going to blame the fact that I have two exams in less than a week and am now in the lie on the floor and cry phase of my preparation feeling beyond hopelessly unprepared as the reason for the sudden change in tone. It is hard to construct an interesting stream of consciousness when your brain is in a stunned form of panic. But I would like to comment on a problem that I think any girl who was introduced to Disney Princess movies at an early age will suffer from. You see in these movies when things get bad Prince Charming rides in and saves the day. So on some really weird subconscious level when I get stressed, things go wrong or I have to do something I really don’t want to I hope that Price Charming will arrive any moment and I won’t have to worry anymore. Just for the record it hasn't happened yet but hey you never know today might be the day. I don’t see how that will help me with my exams though or at least help me study for them so perhaps I will just go to plan B. Plan B is another ridiculous and impractical idea taught to me by television. I shall have to run away to the circus.

Now as I prepare myself to begin apologize for the quality of what I have just written I realize that by doing this I am actually judging you (I use the term you in a broad sense to represent any person who happens to find themselves at this place in the post) I mean who am I to think I know what you like or don’t like. Maybe I should just mind my own business and let you make up your own mind about my blog. Maybe I shouldn't care what you think. (But I do so please don’t be upset by that last sentence.)

Maybe I feel guilty that I’m writing my blog instead of studying. I will be upset with myself about it if not now soon. That’s another thing about procrastination you can’t even enjoy any of the procrastinationary (Yes I’m making that a word) activities.

So I will post this now just because I spent valuable time writing it and by having something to show for that time I hope to minimize the waste.

Maybe tomorrow will bring something more interesting.

One Of The Many Reasons I Would Make A Really Bad Superhero

So I’m trying to get in the habit of posting regularly which means that some posts will be boring (or at least more boring than others). I suppose it’s kind of awkward for me to start making excuses about the quality of something I haven’t even written yet; I have a feeling that I learnt somewhere that doing so actually makes the whole thing worse. Like because I warn you it might be boring you actually think that it is boring even if you might not have otherwise.

In that case the following is the most SUPER FREAKING AMAZING blog you will ever read in your life!!!!!!!! It’s full of drama, action, heartbreak and will leave you on the edge of your seat till the very last word. (On a side note recently I watched a movie where the DVD cover quoted reviews which all claimed that the movie was in a nutshell quite possibly the best movie ever made. It was the most boring two hours of my life. Maybe the reviewers’ were so upset that they had to sit through such a movie that they wanted as many people as possible to go through the pain that they had. It honestly felt like some kind of sick joke. I don’t know if I could ever trust a review again.)

Anyway as good or bad the following is it should be of note that the idea for the content of this post just came to me recently and before that I had fully intended to wow the world with a story about how our new smoke alarm will be set off by almost anything except an ACTUAL FIRE. (I’m experimenting with the use of caps just for aesthetic variety I do apologize)

So here’s the thing. This blog is meant to be anonymous.  It is that way because I don’t want people to judge it based on their knowledge of me or judge me based on what they have read on the blog. (Which is really funny considering that it is practically impossible to even find this blog the only way I can find it is because it is mine and comes up automatically when I log in) The problem is I am useless and mean absolutely useless at keeping a secret. Now I don’t mean that I’m not trustworthy cos I am and in fact I can keep secrets about other people. But, I seem to have this weird need to tell people about my life, like I’m somehow being deceitful if I don’t even trivial things. I think that in this case it’s an effort to somehow seen interesting in real life. I've been using the fact that I have recently started a blog as a joke to illustrate the level of procrastination I am currently at. But it kinda defeats the whole purpose. So if somehow someone I know stumbles onto this page they will go “hey, an anonymous blog that was started real recently, did Insert Name Here say that she had just started one?” And anonymous it is no longer. That is assuming that people actually listen when I talk to them. I talk a lot and the things I find fascinating are not usually what the rest of the world thinks is so I wouldn't blame them if they did zone out. This inability to control what some would term to be verbal diarrhea is one reason why I would make a really bad super hero. You know how they have to keep their real identity a secret even if it means not being honest to those they care about just to keep them safe? Or because the cops think that they are some vigilante nutcase and want to arrest them? Well I would not last two minutes.

Now I have noticed the irony (it’s probably not actually irony but that is the word I am going with) in the fact that I know I have an issue with taking too much and about stupid aspects of my life so I decide to post this problem on the internet. On a blog which is dedicated to basically me talking more about myself and anything that goes on in my brain in the hope that someone will find it interesting. I would like to think that I’m not a self-absorbed person but the evidence is beginning to suggest otherwise. I suppose it is a little difficult when you’re not really taking to anyone.

You know what I would actually like to know more about what goes on in other peoples’ brains. Maybe if we all kept a blog we would realize that maybe we are as crazy as we think. Or maybe we will just despair at the human condition.

Either way I’m sure it will fill in some hours that could be used to do something more useful and pressing.  

Trivial Hypocrisy and Self Sabotage

So I make my first post and suddenly find myself quite obsessed. Hypothetically writing my next post, checking to see the amount of views (I was quite surprised until I realized that most of the views were in fact me admiring my newly created blog) and felt quite good about the whole thing until it was pointed out that I had promised not to start a blog until after finals. Oh well.

People used to just tell me that if I like writing I should just sit down and write. I never thought that I could do that, I imagined that the moment I had a pen in my hand my mind would go blank. You see that is what happens when I have to writing anything of importance but I’m finding quite the opposite with this whole free flow of consciousness style. I think it is some form of spontaneous prose but don’t quote me on that. I have these short bursts when my brain just seems to come to life and I feel like I can do anything; if only I could use these bursts for something constructive. You know when you have an amazing idea and just for a second everything is clear then a second later it is gone or suddenly it feels so cheesy. What if we could record our thoughts as they happened? Well just the good bits. Like all those hilarious conversations or voice overs you make up in your head. I know it’s not just me. Well I’m trying to dread those moments back for this blog, from all the times I wanted to share what was in my brain with the world even in all its chaos. So it might feel a bit stale for a while but I’m hoping that will go away over time.

So for the actual subject indicated in the title…
I am a hypocrite; I am aware of it and freely admit my guilt. I cannot think of the better examples which illustrate this point so I will just go with a weak one. So I would really like it if people read this blog (I know you’re probably sick of my self reference by now but I have a bit of a one track mind) but I don’t read anyone else’s blog and have no real desire to. Now please don’t let this discourage you from reading mine but that kinda makes me a hypocrite or at least I may have some sort of superiority concept which seems odd for someone with incredibly low self-esteem.  

I have another issue that sorta relates but really probably needs analysis by a physiologist or at least more space dedicated to it than a few vague sentences. But it really bothers me that I am not brilliant at anything. I mean people would consider me a high achiever/very much a geek but that doesn't stop me from just being a boring average person. But I really want to find something that I’m not just good at but really good at so that the world is a better place because I’m in it. To create something that is beautiful just because it exists. Now what I want to know is whether everyone else feels that way or if some people are just content with doing what they want or can at the level they can. So how does this relate to me being a hypocrite? Well for me to be brilliant I have to be able to do something unique or the best, but if I can then that means that someone else isn't brilliant at that thing. For me to be good does someone else have to be comparatively bad?  So why would I deserve to be brilliant instead of someone else?

As you can imagine for a procrastinator this whole process is quite self-defeating. While procrastinating the other day I actually looked up reasons why people procrastinate.  The top two for me we because I am a perfectionist and feel overwhelmed by the task. So I’m the type of person who would rather no try something over trying something and being bad at it. So even if I am gifted at something I will most probably never find it. Also if I have put off something that I have to do e.g. study for accounting (shiver) I won’t actually do anything else worthwhile. I will just be suspended in the painful place where you are just wasting time and can see your potential success reducing by the second.

Maybe procrastinating doesn't quite illustrate my hypocrisy but it does raise a valid point. I know that I am procrastinating, I know that it is hurting my chances at doing well at whatever I am meant to do and I know that I will beat myself up about it afterwards in fact I’m beating myself up about it now. But does that motivate me to action and stop procrastinating?
No, no it doesn't.

And so life goes on.             

A Letter To No One Or Everyone (Sooooooo Dramatic)

If my life was a movie this would be the start of something very special. As it stands this may be the one and only post I ever write. I fully recognize that the chances of this being read by anyone but me are almost non existent but just in case you have stumbled onto this weird stream of consciousness....

Hi, how are you? Please, I beg you keep reading.

As the title of this blog suggests I procrastinate a lot. In fact the only reason why i am doing this blog is because i should be studying right now. Plus I have always fancied myself to be a writer and just for the record I also live and breath anything to do with acting. But I am a realist and have decided to be practical in my occupational choices.

Anyway the hope is that I will post things of interest, hopefully funny but i make no promises, hopefully intelligent but i wouldn't bet on it and maybe a genius idea or two.
The content may prove to be full of cliches and continuously repetitive but hey one has to try these things.

Also I would like to make it clear that THIS IS NOT A DIARY!!!!!!!!

I have no idea how long these things are meant to be so I will stop now. Well soon anyway, I babble in real life to rapidly jumping from one idea to the other never really getting anywhere useful.

This originally started as my illegible handwriting in a mysterious looking notebook and i promise it was much better than what i have just typed but I didn't really want to copy it. Computers aren't really my thing but the idea that a person that I don't know could read this kinda appealed. I know it sounds weird but if by some chance I did write something of value I would like someone to read it. Read it without their already established opinion of me from getting in the way.

I'm almost reluctant to post this because in a few years from now i might actually read it and be horrified about what i willing posted on the internet for the world to see.
But here goes.