Good Titles Take Effort

So, today was the last day of lectures, my first exam is in a week and I have a cold. So, in other words it is time to write a blog post. Don’t get me wrong I have been meaning to post for some time but with all the crazy deadline happening and me trying to get at least some sleep the deal became, watch an episode of TV or write a post you are not even sure you will like. And we all know how much I love my TV. So yeah, sorry to neglect you.

And it is not just that I have been meaning to post in general but I have been meaning to do this post. It intends to be more serious than usual.

So, I suffer from depression. I mean if you have been reading these or know me that probably isn’t a surprise to you, it’s not to me. I haven’t exactly been the shining light of positivity in these things. But, it’s official now. I got to a point where you decide that you can’t carry on with things the way they are. You tried but you just feel broken and life should not be this painful for this long.

Which means I’m not just a miserable human I have an illness.

Now this is the point that I look at what I have just typed and ask? Do I really want people to see this? And the answer is no, not really. Why? Because I don’t want to feel the way I do. It’s not nice. I don’t feel good about myself and I don’t want people to judge me on the person I am when I am sad and tired and stressed.

But this is my blog and while I promised it wouldn’t be a diary this is what is currently going on in my life right now. And it kind of affects my blog because it changes the tone of what I write so I suppose I’m just giving you some context. For example the whole goal this a few weeks back.

I also want to point out a couple of things (Disclaimer the following points a purely based on my own experiences and are not intended to apply to anyone else). Firstly, TV, and the internet and social media all say this if you are feeling down for an unusually long period of time and aren’t coping you should seek help. Now, I just want to point out that I am totally for that. You should get help, if you ask and people won’t give it to you ask someone else until you get what you need. Yes, yes, yes seek help (Side point you should preferably do this sooner than I did, all those questionnaires say to think about how you have felt over the past two weeks, so when you can’t remember the last time you didn’t fell down you have probably left it longer than ideal). But, what I do want to point out is that they don’t tell you anything about what happens after. Because that is where things get tough. The thing is as much as you want it to life doesn’t just stop, you cant just throw up your hands and say I am sick I am going to act like a sick person. Well I couldn’t anyway I had full time uni to do. What happens is that now you have to do everything you were doing before and feeling overwhelmed and also do other things and have appointments ect, treatment takes time and effort and energy which is tough if your symptoms include low motivation, fatigue and feelings of hopelessness and sadness.

There are other things to, like the stigma around depression or mental illness in general. Now, this isn’t a tirade against society or anything I’m simply saying that for some reason mental illness tends to get treated differently to other illness. And, it should be treated different because it is different but I don’t think it is being treated different in a good way. But then maybe the issue is partly with myself. Because it has taken me a long time to accept that I am sick and not just lazy and useless. So if I have been struggling with that for a while can a really expect people to be any different. Even so I think there is still a bit of shame attached to having a mental illness  and that maybe people could treat those who are depressed in a more supportive and better way. I feel that if I have to ask for special consideration I am ‘playing the depression card’ that I have to constantly justify that I am actually sick.

But, there are some interesting things to. Like when you are getting help for depression everyone is suddenly interested in and asking about your breathing. Because apparently there is a right way to breath and a lot of people get it wrong. It also takes training and practice to get your technique just right. Now this to me seems really weird, it’s like asking someone how their walking technique is going. If they are over the age of two,  of average health and not competing in the Olympic games in the walking event (the discussion regarding how weird this event is to watch will have to be postponed to another day but I it begs to be had) walking is not something you have to consciously work on. Now considering that if you don’t breathe you die, I had assumed that if I was still in a state to be asked the question of how my breathing was going and not suffering from asthma I didn’t have a problem. I was wrong.

So, this has been exhausting, I hope I haven’t said anything that upsets anybody. It wasn’t meant to. It is simply a stream of consciousness of perhaps sweeping generalizations regarding what I am experiencing right now and I want to be ok with what I have posted.

Stay awesome.

Academic Bitterness and Uncharted Topics

So I am writing a post,
Which means I have just finished a university test a mid-term to be exact. It also means that I would rather not dwell on how it went but I suppose it could have gone worse. Today is August 30^th (putting in the date because I probably won’t upload this today and I think you can actually manually change the post date on blogger but I really can’t be bothered) now for those in the know about the University of Auckland you may be wondering why I have just finished a test. Isn’t it the first day of mid semester break and also a Saturday? Yes, yes it is. They can schedule a mid-term during mid semester on the weekend? Can they yes, should they? Well that is certainly debatable. I mean if it had been any earlier I would have been even less prepared but then again IT A SATURDAY MORNING DURING BREAK and I had to post pone my holiday for it. And by holiday I mean a week of doing uni work at a location other than uni or home. Hopefully with a day of snowboarding or two.

Interestingly the only non uni book I have to read over break is about people going to university, not some soppy gossipy one, it’s actually a really good dystopian series. But really if I want a distraction from uni, reading about these people going to classes and studying for test won’t be the most effective thing. Then again if these people fail they die sometimes rather violently so maybe it puts real uni into perspective. It’s still awful though death penalty or not. Today there were kids in their last year of high school touring the campus. They were so excited and hopeful. Seriously there is nothing that can prepare you for the real experience the exhaustion, the stress, the frustration, the agony and disappointment. But at high school they don’t even try to tell you the real story. They pervade this myth that you will find your passion and be in control of your education, that if you work hard you can have a life and still get good grades. It’s not like that. Notice how they didn’t mention sleep anywhere in that. That’s because you basically give sleep up.  Oh the bitterness I can express when given half the chance. It’s worrying.

Anyway. I had meant to do another goal motivated post but I had nothing to say then by the time I did life was crazy busy  and I was pulling 12 hour days of solid uni work and it just didn’t happen. But, now that I have a spare moment I think it is time that society addressed the bizarre experience of laser hair removal. Because if a semi anonymous blog is not the place to embarrass oneself regarding generally personal matters I don’t know where it. So I have gone to multiple places and I have to admit the experience is different depending on the person who does it they place and the type of machine they use  but essentially this is how it goes. You walk into the room that gives the impression that you are about to be the patient of a medical procedure rather than anything beauty salon related. It is freezing cold to keep the laser happy and you strip down to your underwear. You then get on the treatment table and have googles placed on you so you cannot see a thing. Then you are zapped with a laser, AND IT FREAKING HURTS.  I mean the fact that it is a laser should have been a hint but some people have the audacity to tell you it doesn’t hurt, I have also been told “if it doesn’t hurt it is not working”. The icing on the cake is that you actually PAY SOMEONE to do this to you. With a little bit of imagination the whole thing is like you have been discovered as an enemy agent across the border during wartime and are being tortured for information. I have discovered I would make a very bad spy. So yeah very weird.

On that note, I shall leave you, I am about to reach my trains stop and I have run out of things to say.

Till next time.

What is More Worrying? The Fact That I Wrote This or the Fact That I am Willingly Putting it on the Internet?

I made a goal the other day that I would post on this blog. I have never been a goal kind of person. Having to write some at the beginning of every term at primary school is something I almost dreaded. You see writing something down makes it concrete, you wanted to achieve something, and if you don’t achieve it than it is harder to brush it off. That’s way people say you should write goals down because than you will be more likely to actually do something about it. And if you make it time bound than you really can’t procrastinate. It isn’t that I don’t have goals; people have described me as ‘driven’ and I don’t think you could be that without goals I just don’t want to write my goals down because I don’t want to feel bad about not achieving them; I don’t like the feeling of them hanging over me. The ironic thing is the only reason I’m posting is so I achieve my goal. So it worked, I knew it would and I am happy that I am posting even if the post is quite a downer I just wish I didn’t have to write a goal in order to achieve it. And this is the point when my argument begins to spiral because I don’t want to admit that sometimes the thing you don’t want to do is actually good for you. So, let’s just call this a teenage moment and move on.

I do have a slight problem though; I really don’t have anything to post about. Now that might not matter in regards to the goal since there was nothing in it regarding the quality of the post but if you want readers quality does kinda help. Yes, I am back at uni. No, it’s not like anybody or television said it would be. Yes, I am stressing. No, I haven’t used my video camera since I went back.

Anyway I can’t really have a post about nothing so I am going to talk about something weird, and then I am going to post it on the internet. Because that doesn’t seem like flawed logic at all (sarcasm, sorry to feel that I have to point it out, unfortunately or actually fortunately as it may be I’m pretty sure you don’t get the hear my voice when you read this so sometimes I worry that maybe that changes the perceived meaning of the things I say). Ok so it is August and there are daffodils and I generally love daffodils. They are just such a happy flower that seems to suddenly appear overnight and I get to walk by a whole bunch of them on my way to uni which improves the walk up a very steep hill significantly. The problem is that elsewhere on campus there are these miniature daffodils,  with multiple tiny flowers on each stem thing (note: not knowledgeable about plant life) and for some reason walking past them makes me irrationally angry. Now if you had asked me a week ago I would have probably said that in the normal course of events it is impossible to hate a flower for no reason. But I really do. They just annoy me and I don’t know why. And that then annoys me more.

Now telling you all this would have been much more interesting if that story had a point or a comical observation at the end but really I’ve got nothing.

But I achieved a goal …so that counts for something … I guess.

Haphazardly Spelt Words Organised Somewhat Coherently to be Published Forever on the Internet

I must start this post with an apology.

I missed world pyjama day. In fact I completely forgot that I declared it a day at all. Although a just googled it an Australia has two separate pyjama days as part of fundraising for something important but that is not a world pyjama day so yeah, maybe next year. Although blogger thinks that "pyjama" is spelt wrong which explains why my post declaring the day says "Pajama" which google has just told me is the American spelling  and I probably should have googled the spelling the day I wrote that post instead of having the awkward desision now of changing the spelling in this post or the previous or not at all (not at all is winning right now) but it was the first day after exams so I think I can forgive myself. But inconsistent spelling does make it hard to have a world wide day especially if I can't even decide which version to use, technically they are both right. Blogger also thinks "spelt" is spelt wrong, is that right?

I also felt a bit weird about posting my last post. The thing is I wrote it right after my last exam and then left it for a couple of days before proof reading. When you are in exam mode you have all these ideas about the great things you will do once it is over. It is those ideas that get you through it. But then three days go by, you are busy with work and suddenly everything seems sooo difficult, too difficult. Which is sad, but life.

I decided to post it though because it was a true reflection of how I felt at the time just like this shows how I feel now. Plus, I want to be the motivated creative go getter so maybe one day I will read it again and it will be just what I need.

Anyway, my mother read my blog the other day (actually quite a while ago now but that is not really important to the story so "the other day" will suffice but I have a thing about being overly honest). Now I don't mind if she reads it or not, she just hadn't till this point and I had assumed it was intentional. But after the hotel post she looked it up. And found a lot and I mean a lot of issues with spelling, grammar (not so much of an issue as sometimes it is intentional but sometimes it is not and then we have issues), sentences that I seem to have lost interest in half way though and just given up on unfinished etc. Which is very embarrassing. I mean I have always sucked at spelling and spell check is on my list of best friends (don't actually have a list) but I didn't want the internet to know the extent of the problem. I mean how can you expect your blog to be successful if people cannot read it? On, that note how can you expect your blog to be successful if you never tell anyone about it? Or, if you never post on it? Anyway lets cross one bridge at a time. What this did was expose the horrible habit I have of not properly proofreading any of my posts.

Yes that's right even I can't be bothered reading these things in full. So HOW can I expect anyone else to read them???????? To be honest at the time of completion I generally dislike most of my posts so I am afraid that if I read them than I would chicken out of posting and then I would have a file on my computer of things that I spent time writing that no one will ever read and a sadly empty blog. So instead I just try to think of a name that isn't too cringe worthy and press publish. So I guess I am working on the belief that a bad post is better than no post. Which on reflection doesn't really sound like a well thought out system but there are bigger things in the world to worry about. However I now plan on putting a little more effort into the proofreading stage of  this thing and hopefully I will pick up on the worst offenders.

Now, what shall I have for lunch?

Hypothetical Confessions to Inanimate Objects and Post Exam Brain Fillers

Hey, blog…

We need to talk. I know that I have been ignoring you lately and I’m sorry. This is tough but you deserve an explanation. There is someone else, well something else. I … I… I I GOT A VIDEO CAMERA OK. There it out, I said it. I got a video camera and instead of using you as a creative outlet I have been using it. I’m considering starting a Vlog.

It’s not you it’s me. I was just so busy studying for exams that I didn’t have time to type out a coherent post, I got frustrated and lonely and when I needed to vent it was there for me. It was so much easier to just talk to it rather than type everything out. I don’t expect you to forgive me. But, I would like to be friends? You and I we have something special that I just can’t get from a Vlog and that’s thinly veiled anonymity. How long has this being going on? Well on and off for three weeks. But it’s not like I have posted anything yet. I mean I could just delete the recording and we could go back to normal. Like it used to be before.

And that is as far as I got in the 10 minutes that I allowed for myself to procrastinate from studying for my last final exam for this semester. Not 10 minutes all up nooooooooo that would actually be inhuman. Even as a perfectionist I am not crazy enough to expect that from anyone. Just the 10 minutes that I allowed for typing out a brain wave that I had for a blog post. Many many minutes were lost through procrastinating via other methods that may or may not have included youtube.

But anyway that is in the past now, I still studied a lot and exams are over. I just finished my last one. And what better way to distract oneself from pondering what one may or may not have done in that exam than by train blogging? Especially since the above hypothetical conversation between my blog and I is not entirely fictional.

Yes, that’s right. I InsertNameHere got a video camera, thanks mum. Now as I like to consider myself an aspiring actor and scriptwriter and director etc. you can understand that a video camera has been on my list of wants for a very long time. But the thing about video cameras is that they are notorious for being that thing that you buy (a lot of the time before an overseas vacation) that you think you will use all the time and then never use again except for maybe that family reunion that everyone would actually prefer to forget. Then there is the fact that I have had this blog for a year now and I have only posted 17 times (including this post), so what does that say about my commitment to anything I do? So, you can also probably understand why I am a little afraid that my video camera will end up a dust collecting ornament. BUT, I am determined to not let that happen.

So then what will I do with my awesome camera? Well I could just film everything ever, like that movie but without the superpowers and death and I am considering that option but recognise that it may not be the most socially acceptable one. Then there is the vlog (and the awkward moment when my computer views “vlog” as an incorrectly spelt word, get with the program computer this is not cave man times… I’m kidding computer please don’t crash or anything). The above possible youtube included some videos by the Vlog brothers (I would like to note one was directly related to one of my exams so technically studying) and them The Lizzie Bennet Diaries which is amazing, so amazing in fact that I used its actual name in my post as opposed to calling it the emmy awards winning vlog series based on one of the most well-known Jane Austen novels. And I thought hey that is something I could do. I then looked up how many people actually do that (list of well-known youtube personalities) and saw that a lot of people do. Which really means any attempt I made would most likely be considered unoriginal and so late for the party that no one even remembers having one. But who am I to let that stop me. If I want to have a vlog I should. I mean I was late to the party with the blog and yet as I type this out I feel better than I have in a long time.

But, do I really want a vlog, there is not anonymity with one, they see your face. Would I willingly post a video of me talking to a camera, bad acne and all onto the internet where it stays FOREVER. What if something I think is really cool isn’t or a say something I later regret. Now both issues are things I face with this blog and I do attempt to not say anything that I would not be comfortable saying in real life but a vlog feels kinda different. There would also be nothing to stop me for shamelessly promoting it, which means people I know might see it and what if it is stupid?

Plus, what would a vlog mean for this blog, I mean I could make the blog not anonymous (because I have been doing such a good job at keeping it a secret… not) but do I want that? But with the amount of free time I have I could not do both, plus I would run out of ideas and then when I had one of my rare ideas I would have to decide whether to blog or vlog it.

Just another example of how I over complicate things. But then again, I would much rather have this to worry about then exams.

Oh how the freedom tastes so sweet.
Till next time (Hopefully not too far away).

Less Than 200 Words #2

Hi,
I just looked into the 100 happy days thing that people are doing. Probably not the best choice as I sat here feeling miserable and you guessed it procrastinating. It made me think that I should do such a thing with this blog. Which is almost a year old. Considering that I always thought that I would give up after the first post I'm pretty happy that I still remember my login. I think if I promised to post more I would force myself to; but right now I don't think I can handle the pressure. Plus 100 miserable days doesn't quite have the same ring to it. But when things settle down I have an idea for my next signature longer than any sane person would read post. Lets hope it still makes sense in my brain by that point. Anyway I like the 100 happy days idea though, I suppose this thing is old news but hey I have never really been onto it with these internet/smartphone trends as I soldier on with my Nokia brick.

I'm out. Time to get stuff done.
Please let the stuff get done.

Only I Can Make Relaxing This Complicated

So, I had this plan.

Generally each post takes me quite me quite a while so I done post that often. Because I should be doing something useful, but I don’t want to, because you know the thing about useful stuff? They are generally the most boring tasks. You know the ones, the ones that involve reading textbooks and work and an assessment on how well you achieved the goal (which quite frankly you never got and still haven’t even though you have spent a whole week doing the stupid thing).

Yeah, there is a lot of angst surrounding my educational pursuits these days. IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS SOUL CRUSHING!!!!!!!!!!! 

I apologise for the inconsistent font, blogger is being difficult. It is not by choice.

The thing is, I like to tell people that I write a blog, a super-secret anonymous blog. But since I have not posted in like forever (my original goal was to post at least once a month. Yeah, nah not going to happen) well I’m starting to feel like saying I write a blog would be a lie. Hence I must post.

That is not to say that I have not wanted to post. I have, I spend valuable time planning posts that never eventuate because I don’t have the time or motivation or confidence to write them down.
So why are a posting now you ask.

Well let me tell you.

I am currently sitting in a so called “Luxury Motel.” I know I usually have a policy of not naming names but I will break this rule (it probably won’t matter since barely anyone reads this anyway). It is called “The Salty-Dog Inn”, generally the company with this name specialises in fishing bait but I suppose they are branching out (they really shouldn’t).

Now generally I am a glass half empty type of person but I have had a rough time lately. Uni is more awful than usual and I have so much to do that it makes me feel physically sick. So after a week of trying to do work over the mid semester break and failing miserably. Feeling like my whole life is a failure, only finding joy in  television (which in itself is depressing on reflection) and dealing with computer viruses (which means I know longer think highly of my previous anti-virus software which shall remain nameless) I was hoping that I could relax in luxury with my family for one night.  

The thing is there is no full kitchen as promised; the TV is the smallest sole TV for any place that I have seen in a long time, they promised sky (but the sky options are limited to 3 channels) and only one of the free to air channels actually works.

The microwave is broken.
The toaster is broken.
The toilet is broken and actually installed illegally according to my father.

The place is generally just kinda old and the cleaning is sup par.

Now you could say that I was just being picky but as you know I like my TV and so I look forward to the prospect of watching good TV (sky has that connotations) on a high quality TV set.

I don’t know, even though the place sounds like one of those shady motels that would be a setting for a case in one of those forensic shows that I follow it promised luxury so I hoped for luxury. And, anyway tomorrow I have to go back to reality and try to do work again and I don’t want to.

So am sitting here drinking wine and blogging at the request of a person who reads this blog.
That’s right you heard it. This blog officially has a reader who actually enjoys the experience. And not the disclaimer where I tell you that I am related to so called fan of the blog who has actually tried to distract me from completing this post (so that’s counterproductive).

Anyway, so back to my plan (the one I mentioned at the beginning of this post but never properly explained) I was going to limit my time to writing a post to only 15 minutes and show how much I typed in each minute so that you as the ready could follow my panic to write anything interesting minute by minute (I promise it was going to be more entertaining than it sounds) but I can’t type that fast since to this point it have taken almost an hour to type this much.

But I am now going to the main building of this complex to use the free Wi-Fi (yay) to post this and then watch some TV online without guilt because I AM ON HOLIDAY!!! (I feel guilty already) so the night is not a compete bust.

May tomorrow be better than today.
Note: that may be considered a quote from a book that I read once but on reflection hate bar this line. No copywrite intended but it may be better that I don't name the book, since I just admitted to hating it.

Anyway...
Cya Peoples